I went to a Caps game the other day, (C!A!P!S!
CAPS! CAPS! CAPS!), and noticed that almost everyone seemed to be
wearing a jersey with the name Ovechkin on
it, referring to Alexander Ovechkin. If
you do not know who Alexander Ovechkin is, you either a) live in a cave on Mars with your
eyes shut and your fingers in your ears while singing “John Henry
Was a Steel Drivin’ Man” at the top of your lungs or b) you’ve never
read the front page, Style, Sports, Metro, Business, Outlook or Weekend
section of The Washington Post. Ovechkin is the new, sexy hockey hero from
This happens in other sports all the time, with roughly the same result: the player is good for awhile and everyone pretends to love the team and claim to be a diehard fan, but the minute the player screws up in any way, he’s abandoned like I was in a shopping mall at the age of five. These hideous people who clutch on to a team or player like a barnacle to a whale are what we in the business (the business of criticizing people by making sweeping generalizations to make up for our massive inferiority complexes) call “Bandwagoners.” The term comes from the phrase “jumping on the bandwagon” or supporting something when it starts to become trendy or is already popular for no other reason than to be part of a group. As I will prove in the following well-structured critical essay (aka, unintelligible rant) that uses the most logical kind of rhetoric, the kind of people who jump on any bandwagon are the same sort of people who will bring about the fall of human civilization.
When I was a young lad in my junior year, everyone
was excited about the Boston Red Sox going to the World Series after
Babe Ruth allegedly left a curse on them back in the late 1910s.
If they won, it would be the biggest Cinderella story in
The fact that the Red Sox won wasn’t
the problem; it was everything after their win that made it bad.
The day after
they won, tons of people came into school wearing gear claiming that they were so glad that the “curse” was
finally broken and that their favorite team had finally won after
86 years of disappointment. It’s times like
those that make me wonder how such a primitive race of tailless monkeys
has managed to take over this planet.
The other examples of bandwagoners gone hog-wild are rappers wearing the jerseys of mostly no-name teams. When some rapper wears a jersey for the LA Clippers, the odds are around 10,000-1 that they can name a single player on the team. I never understood the obsession with wearing jerseys of terrible teams. Have you always supported them, or only when bad teams suddenly became popular because they were terrible? If you’re going to jump on a bandwagon, do it with a team that has a consistent history of winning (Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys to name a few). To succeed in life, you have to think economically, and if you’re betting a lot on someone, it’s better to bet on the team who is favored to win. You won’t make as much money (depending on the amount you’re betting), but you’re more likely to get something than the person betting on the long shot. This is the exception to being a filthy bandwagon-jumper. When there’s cash involved, I have no moral qualm with betting on whoever’s likely to win. That’s just a good economic decision. However, when it comes to supporting a team simply because they have become popular with no monetary reasons behind your newfound support, we start to have a problem, and when I say “we,” I mean I. I’ll admit that the desire to bandwagon is a strong one, but we must resist the powers of fat cats who want nothing more than money to buy more money, which I would totally do if I could. This country needs more free-thinkers, and what better way to become one than to stop supporting a team just because they’re finally getting their 15 minutes?
in all areas of life, but they are most prominent in the wide, wide
world of sports. Like filthy remoras on a side of a shark, bandwagoners
latch on to a larger object and then feed on the nutrients. It’s
an evil, but time-honored tradition that must be halted before some
other stadium fills up with yuppies trying desperately to fit in,
only to realize that they’ve wasted their money when the team starts
to suck and they move on to the next hot team. By the power invested
in me by Lasso Online and in accordance with the State of